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unfamiliar/self

i never knew technology could be a form of therapy/ i was the saddest, most depressed, lost my soul and self when recorded this video nude, alone, confused, broken in 2011 / i would look in the mirror for brief moments in time, i couldn't even figure out who she was looking back/ who is this? is this a girl or is this a woman?/ i forced myself to do it, to look into my own eyes, remind myself what i look like when i smile, i forgot how to smile, i forced it. it felt uncomfortable, like i didn't deserve it./ in 2011 i watched this video a hundred times, through the weeks that came until i forgot it existed./ i had to rebuild my smile/ i had to tell myself everything horrible he said to me wasn't true, that hurt people hurt people, that i have a light inside of me/ i just needed help relighting my flame/

i came across this in my archives and decided to upload it/ vulnerability is beautiful and as i look at how i peered into the lens, the glassy look in my eyes. i was trying to look back into my soul, find it again. where did it go? how did i loose something so precious?/ 2011 left and today is her funeral/ lows are as important as the highs/ this isn't a post about sadness, to be depressing or anything of the sort/ this post is a celebration on moving forward/

as a artist, a woman, someone who is okay and open, sad, happy, angry, ready to face emotion, constantly preaching about the importance of allowance/ i said to myself "i should practice what i preach amelian!" / my/self replied by uploading this video/ 

every single time i greet my father "cool ass lenny", he never fails me. i always ask :

"dad, how are you today?"

he always replies :

"baby, i woke up today. life is great." 

dad is right/ life is beautiful/ wisdom always wins/ 

you are amazing. don't EVER let anyone make you feel any less.